It was early November 2007 and we had finally manged to squeeze in a weeks holiday after 3 years. When you are married to a Consultant, holidays can be hard to come by. If you don't work you don't get paid, and when you work in the area of Risk Management there is always SOME pressing crisis that needs your attention. A fraud, a system that needs overhauled or some other squeaky wheel demanding your attention.
This time however, I must have squeaked loudest because we managed a week away.
We had just left our church of almost 5 years, and were settling into a new one when we decided to take the break away.
Subsequently we didn't get to church a couple of weeks in a row.
But wouldn't you know it, after weeks of gorgeous Australian spring weather it began to rain, and rain and rain. The children were very disappointed. We had rented a house at the beach and were looking forward to some good salty swimming, boogie boarding and hanging out with mum and dad on the white sands.
My husband and I while mildly disappointed at the weather, breathed a secret sigh of relief. While it meant 5 children cooped up inside a house, it also meant much less running around. We were exhausted. He from work and me emotionally, physically and spiritually burnt out from 'leaving church'.
We spent time watching dvd's, playing games, doing puzzles and the children took much delight in wrestling with daddy in the large garage down stairs.
My 9 year old daughter caught me over Sunday morning coffee. She looked a little disappointed at the time and I wondered what was wrong. I asked her and she came and stood next too me, and asked me in the way a 9 year old does, if God had punished us for not going to church by sending the rain and spoiling our holiday?
Oh my, I felt sick!
Where had that come from?
Is this an attitude that I had exhibited?
Was there something theologically wrong with the way I had been bringing up my children?
Had I REALLY given them a Santa Claus view of God where He was making a list, checking it twice, going to find out whose naughty and nice?
What does this say about God the Father who I know wants nothing more than to sit with that little girl, rain hail or shine and just love on her!
We had the necessary chat, as I sat her on my lap and explained that God simply did not work that way. God probably had ALL kinds of reasons for the rain that week, but NONE of them had to do with us not attending church. It was all I could manage at the time. The rippling affect on my psyche had already started and I was off in the land of mother guilt trying to figure out where I had gone wrong.
Today I sit here on this drizzly Sydney summer morning, surrounded by packing boxes and general chaos, and beside me is another book that I have been reading.
The book is called Healing Spiritual Abuse- How to Break Free from Bad Church Experiences by Ken Blue.
Somewhere in the past month the Lord has been dredging up a heap of crap, He obviously doesn't want packed to go OS. A hard time to be having such a moment, but I am very thankful that the Lord cares about me enough to not let me believe certain things any longer.
I realize I had modeled that type of behavior for my children. I hadn't meant too and I certainly don't hold that believe to be theologically correct of God. But in the way I have conducted my Christian walk in the past little while, I was silently saying to them, that being a good Christian is the way that you behave on the outside, the meetings you attend, the involvement you have in ministry, the hours 'serving' you do and the general conformity to a set of structures that are largely leader (not God) based to suit leaders and what they want to achieve.
Reading Blue has been a both freeing, and frightening experience. It is always hard to grasp that there are fundamental flaws in our character and theology that leave us wide open to the lies and deceptions of the enemy in whatever realm we find them.
I am by nature a people pleaser. Whether it is comes from being the first born or because it is something inherently there with my nature, doesn't matter, it is a fact.
Falling pregnant at 21 in my third year of university, marrying an obsessive compulsive gambler who was not a Christian has reaped consequences further and wider than just those directly related to those three facts alone.
I realize I have spent most of the time since those decisions, in the church trying to 'make up for it' with God. I would attend countless meetings alone, run ministries, write programs, run small groups, envision new groups, run bible studies, and generally be 'open' to be used of the Lord in whatever way I was needed.
This in itself is not a bad thing, but unlike the Psalmist who has developed an awareness of God needing truth in the inward parts, I was blissfully unaware of WHY I was doing those things.
Blue talks about in one chapter of his book, the three types of religious loads that we come under.
The first is God's load- 'that is, the law keeping and the disciplines he supposedly demands of us in exchange for his approval and acceptance. Second is our load- This is the idea that spiritual success is a do-it-yourself project. We must take care of our own sin and produce our own holiness. The third is "their load", the spiritual leaders load. This is when the burden of making our leaders look or feel good falls on our shoulders. Their load is the work we must do for their sake to meet their needs'.
These loads are two fold in that the potential to be prone to them has always existed within us for whatever reason, but they may also be 'played' on either knowingly or unknowingly by those who are pastorally responsible for us. Meaning, while these may start out as our 'own issues' they can soon be issues that are made worse by bad shepherds.
What makes this even more tragic is that these shepherds are not always aware that they are even doing it. They may sincerely believe they are on the right track, have heard a word from the Lord or are doing the Lords work. They are for the most part not acting out of a malicious spirit with the intent to wound, abuse and burden their flocks. They are so narcissistic in their commitment to the path they are on that almost any kind of behavior becomes justifiable because they are about 'God's business. They expect that the flock serves them, their dreams, their hopes, their visions their 'word of the Lord' rather than, them serving the flock as an intimate shepherd would. The sheep become porns in what the shepherd wants to achieve, rather than being shepherded by a shepherd who is there for the care and protection of the sheep.
While it certainly makes it more tragic, it does not make it justifiable or even acceptable in the sight of the Lord.
Let me leave you with Ezekiel 34 this morning, I have posted it from the message bible, because it paints such a visual verbal picture for me.
Let me know what you think!
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Ezekiel 34
When the Sheep Get Scattered
1-6 God's Message came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherd-leaders of Israel. Yes, prophesy! Tell those shepherds, 'God, the Master, says: Doom to you shepherds of Israel, feeding your own mouths! Aren't shepherds supposed to feed sheep? You drink the milk, you make clothes from the wool, you roast the lambs, but you don't feed the sheep. You don't build up the weak ones, don't heal the sick, don't doctor the injured, don't go after the strays, don't look for the lost. You bully and badger them. And now they're scattered every which way because there was no shepherd—scattered and easy pickings for wolves and coyotes. Scattered—my sheep!—exposed and vulnerable across mountains and hills. My sheep scattered all over the world, and no one out looking for them!7-9 "'Therefore, shepherds, listen to the Message of God: As sure as I am the living God—Decree of God, the Master—because my sheep have been turned into mere prey, into easy meals for wolves because you shepherds ignored them and only fed yourselves, listen to what God has to say:
10 "'Watch out! I'm coming down on the shepherds and taking my sheep back. They're fired as shepherds of my sheep. No more shepherds who just feed themselves! I'll rescue my sheep from their greed. They're not going to feed off my sheep any longer!
11-16 "'God, the Master, says: From now on, I myself am the shepherd. I'm going looking for them. As shepherds go after their flocks when they get scattered, I'm going after my sheep. I'll rescue them from all the places they've been scattered to in the storms. I'll bring them back from foreign peoples, gather them from foreign countries, and bring them back to their home country. I'll feed them on the mountains of Israel, along the streams, among their own people. I'll lead them into lush pasture so they can roam the mountain pastures of Israel, graze at leisure, feed in the rich pastures on the mountains of Israel. And I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep. I myself will make sure they get plenty of rest. I'll go after the lost, I'll collect the strays, I'll doctor the injured, I'll build up the weak ones and oversee the strong ones so they're not exploited.
17-19 "'And as for you, my dear flock, I'm stepping in and judging between one sheep and another, between rams and goats. Aren't you satisfied to feed in good pasture without taking over the whole place? Can't you be satisfied to drink from the clear stream without muddying the water with your feet? Why do the rest of my sheep have to make do with grass that's trampled down and water that's been muddied?
20-22 "'Therefore, God, the Master, says: I myself am stepping in and making things right between the plump sheep and the skinny sheep. Because you forced your way with shoulder and rump and butted at all the weaker animals with your horns till you scattered them all over the hills, I'll come in and save my dear flock, no longer let them be pushed around. I'll step in and set things right between one sheep and another.
23-24 "'I'll appoint one shepherd over them all: my servant David. He'll feed them. He'll be their shepherd. And I, God, will be their God. My servant David will be their prince. I, God, have spoken.
25-27 "'I'll make a covenant of peace with them. I'll banish fierce animals from the country so the sheep can live safely in the wilderness and sleep in the forest. I'll make them and everything around my hill a blessing. I'll send down plenty of rain in season—showers of blessing! The trees in the orchards will bear fruit, the ground will produce, they'll feel content and safe on their land, and they'll realize that I am God when I break them out of their slavery and rescue them from their slave masters.
28-29 "'No longer will they be exploited by outsiders and ravaged by fierce beasts. They'll live safe and sound, fearless and free. I'll give them rich gardens, lavish in vegetables—no more living half-starved, no longer taunted by outsiders.
30-31 "'They'll know, beyond doubting, that I, God, am their God, that I'm with them and that they, the people Israel, are my people. Decree of God, the Master:
You are my dear flock, the flock of my pasture, my human flock,
And I am your God.
Decree of God, the Master.'"
